How to talk to a child about homophobia

Homophobia is a set of stereotypes and prejudices about homosexual people, reinforced by an emotional charge: fear, hostility, shame, hatred. It shows up both in judgments and in behavior, from avoidance to open displays of aggression.

Spending every day in a school environment that presents homophobia as the norm does serious harm to a child who is beginning to explore their identity, including their sexual identity.

Homophobic harassment genuinely contributes to depression, anxiety and eating disorders, and it can lead to suicide, which is why teaching children tolerance and support for equal rights for everyone is essential to creating a psychologically and physically safe atmosphere in the learning environment.

What is homophobic harassment, or homophobic bullying?

It is speech or behavior aimed at humiliating a person whose orientation is non-heterosexual, or is read as non-heterosexual. People can be subjected to this kind of abuse because of their appearance, their behavior, the people they spend time with and many other qualities that do not necessarily have any direct relation to orientation.

You can find more terminology in the publications of Insight NGO about LGBTQI+ youth.

What exactly should you talk about with children, and how?

At first children do not attach meaning or an emotional charge to the words “gay”, “lesbian”, “bisexual”. They acquire that from the environment they are in, which most often means from their parents and their peers, who in their own time learned it from the significant adults around them. Children do not know what is good and what is bad until they are taught. If we look specifically at the phenomenon of homosexuality, children most often absorb the message about it not directly from the knowledge they receive about sexual orientation, but from adults’ judgments about the correct gender norms.

Literally from the moment we are born we begin to absorb ideas about how to be a proper girl or a proper boy. Failing to fit those frames is often reinforced by shaming from the people around us. Because the concepts of gender and orientation remain confused in society, failing to fit gender norms is equated with homosexuality.

So children receive the message: if a boy does not behave in a masculine way and a girl does not behave in a feminine way, they do not fit the heterosexual model, which means their orientation is different, and that is bad and shameful.

So how do you sort this out?

Explain what the words mean.

The best way to dispel the myths and fantasies around gender and orientation is to talk. Children start using the word “gay” as an insult because they have heard others do it. You can ask a child: what do you think this word means? You are unlikely to hear an answer about sexual orientation; you will most likely hear that the child thinks it is a way to call someone who does not fit into the group or whose behavior is different.

Psychologists advise not to begin the explanation with conversations about sex when it comes to a small child.

Start explaining homosexuality with the ideas of love and closeness. An explanation along the lines of “two women or two men can love each other, be a couple or a family and have children, just like your dad and me, or your mom and me” will work well. And if the question of sex does come up after all, that is nothing terrible: it can also be explained the same way you would explain it about your own family. Books can help with this.

It is well known that children up to early school age learn about the world through play, so an effective way to show how different families can be is a little scene or a fairy tale with characters played by the child’s toys. More and more books are also appearing now that will help you tell children about homosexual families in a tone of acceptance and tolerance.

Among such books we can recommend “Maya and Her Moms” by Larysa Denysenko, “Princess Princess Ever After” by Katie O’Neill, “The Harvey Milk Story” by Kari Krakow, and “King and King” by Linda de Haan and Stern Nijland.

Your behavior and your personal attitude also play an important role

If your family has a tradition of talking about acceptance and tolerance, that is wonderful, but it is not enough on its own. The only thing children absorb better than words is the example of their parents’ behavior. We can talk about acceptance, but if our behavior betrays awkwardness, wariness or irritation toward homosexual people, children will certainly notice it.

Drawing on developmental psychology, this can be explained by the fact that children are more sensitive to emotional and bodily signals than to cognitive constructs. First of all it is worth working through your own prejudices, and only then passing this on to children.

Similarity, not difference

Discrimination takes different forms, and children try to create their own patterns of behavior based on the attitudes their environment shows toward different people. If we first teach children that all people are different but everyone should have the same rights, that will make our job much easier when a child has a question specifically about homosexual people.

How do you do that? Put the emphasis on similarity rather than difference. This helps convey the meaning of the basic worth of every person. Yes, people can start families, choose any profession, have any appearance, religion or moral qualities, regardless of their sexual or romantic orientation. This line of behavior will also be useful if the child discovers in the future that they are homosexual or bisexual. If an atmosphere of trust and safety reigns in the family from earliest childhood, the child will turn to their parents for help first of all, relying on the fact that they will not be rejected and left alone with the questions that trouble them.

How do you talk about homophobia with a teenager?

Competition for recognition intensifies among teenagers. In short, this process is normal, because a teenager is building their own paradigm of values and views. They become aware of their separateness and uniqueness in relation to other significant figures: parents, peers, teachers. The need for recognition is in the same register as the need to belong, so a teenager shows a need to belong to some group, preferably one that is placed higher in the hierarchy.

The various systems that exist in our lives are subordinated to hierarchy – the education system, the family system, the system of relationships among teenagers – and all of them are permeated by a patriarchal culture that dictates who will be placed lower in the hierarchy and who higher.

Unfortunately, hierarchy borders very closely on systemic discrimination, and under the influence of their environment a teenager often begins to defend their social status by dividing people into us and them, thereby joining in the discrimination against various vulnerable groups.

The work of parents and educators in this case is to get across to the teenager that humiliating someone is not the best way to raise and protect your own social status. And also that being in a minority does not mean being worse.

This concerns not only the teenager’s sexual orientation, but their views as well. Talk about the importance of empathy and of relying on yourself. Empathizing with and supporting vulnerable groups is nothing to be ashamed of and does not diminish your own dignity.

Building on all of the above and setting your child an example of tolerance, you help them understand that they can feel valuable, good and enough without oppressing those who are more vulnerable.

Talk to your teenager about how to stand up to bullying

Talk, too, about how to stand up for those who are being bullied.

Point to other teenagers who speak up for equality as an example. One of the central themes of the adolescent crisis is separation from significant adults and reliance on horizontal relationships, so teenagers may listen to their peers more than to their parents.

Suggest places to your child where they can get a positive experience of other teenagers supporting the ideas of equality. These can be support groups, school and student initiatives, online communities, films and books. For instance, films and series that raise the questions and the consequences of homophobic bullying and of discrimination on SOGI grounds (sexual orientation and gender identity) are becoming more and more popular with young audiences.

If you are a teacher, it is important not to ignore and not to endorse homophobic statements and harassment in the group. By stating your position clearly you not only set limits for those who might initiate bullying, but also make it clear that you are someone who can be asked for help if it is needed. A proactive stance and preventive measures are recognized as the most effective strategy for dealing with homophobic abuse in a school community.

If one of your students comes out to you, assure them that you will not disclose this information without their consent. In this way you reinforce the teenager’s confidence that you are a safe figure and can be trusted.

If you are a school psychologist, particular attention should be paid to the confidentiality of teenagers’ requests for help. Even when you disclose the fact that someone came to you — for example, when you make a bullying problem public — you must handle the sensitive information the teenager tells you carefully.

In working with homosexual and bisexual teenagers you will be helped by the standards of the American Psychological Association, which give psychologists the basic reference points and grounding for working with LGBTQI+ clients, provide information about the limits and the options for referring such clients, set a direction for positive practices and are backed by additional resources for professional development.

Back up your position with verified arguments

Do not voice unnecessary guesses, and say so openly if you are not competent in some question. It is better to admit it honestly and to help the teenager find places where they can get answers to their questions.

Your own reasoning is better backed up by the fact that it is current and verified. Here you will find a link to a handbook for teachers on countering homophobia. It is very important to work with homophobic attitudes inside the teaching staff. In schools a considerable share of discriminatory statements still comes from teachers themselves. That is why LGBTQI+ teenagers cannot feel safe on any given school day.

First of all it is important to talk with the administration and to include an anti-discrimination policy in the school’s charter. Wherever possible it is worth conveying to colleagues the importance of acceptance in the context of maintaining a healthy and productive atmosphere at school. Students in good psychological health, which school strongly affects, naturally tend to show better academic results and to build more fruitful cooperation both with classmates and with teachers. And for teachers, being able to see good results from their work reduces the likelihood of burnout. It is also necessary to bring interested parents and outside expertise into this work — for example, local LGBTQI+ human rights organizations.

More recommendations can be found in UNESCO’s Education Sector Responses to Homophobic Bullying.