How to talk with a child about homophobia

Homophobia is a set of stereotypes and prejudices about homosexual people, reinforced by an emotional charge: fear, hostility, shame, hatred. It shows up both in judgments and in behavior, from avoidance to open displays of aggression.

Spending every day in a school environment that broadcasts homophobia as the norm does serious harm to a child who is beginning to explore their identity, including their sexual identity. 

Homophobic bullying does in fact contribute to depression, anxiety states, and eating disorders, and it can lead to suicide, which is why teaching children tolerance and support for equal rights for everyone matters so much for creating a psychologically and physically safe atmosphere in the learning environment.

What is homophobic harassment, or homophobic bullying?

These are statements or behavior aimed at humiliating a person whose orientation is non-heterosexual, or is read as non-heterosexual. People can be subjected to such abuse because of their appearance, their behavior, their social circle, and many other qualities that do not necessarily have any direct relation to orientation. 

You will find more terminology in the publications of the Insight NGO about LGBTQI+ youth.

What exactly should you talk about with children, and how?

At first children attach no meaning and no emotional charge to the words “gay”, “lesbian”, “bisexual”. They pick this information up from the environment they are in, that is, most often from their parents and their peers, who in their own time also learned it from significant adults. Children do not know what is good and what is bad until they are taught. If we look specifically at the phenomenon of homosexuality, children most often absorb the message about it not directly from the knowledge they receive about sexual orientation, but from adults’ judgments about correct gender norms. 

Literally from the moment we are born we begin to absorb the notion of how to be a proper girl or a proper boy. Falling outside these frames is often reinforced by shaming from those around us. Since in society the notions of gender and of orientation remain tangled, failing to match gender norms is equated with homosexuality. 

So children receive the message: if a boy behaves in an unmanly way and a girl in an unwomanly way, they do not fit the heterosexual model, which means that their orientation is different, and that is bad and shameful.

So how do we make sense of this?

Explain what the words mean. 

The best way to dispel the myths and fantasies around gender and orientation is to talk. Children start using the word “gay” as an insult because they have heard others do it. You can ask a child: what do you think this word means? You are unlikely to hear an answer about sexual orientation; most likely you will hear that the child thinks it can be used for someone who does not fit into the group or who behaves differently. 

Psychologists advise against starting the explanation with talk about sex when it comes to a small child. 

Begin your explanation of homosexuality with the concepts of love and closeness. Yes, an explanation along the lines of — two women or two men can love each other, become a couple or start a family, have children, just as your dad and I do, or your mom and I — will be appropriate. And if the question of sex does come up after all, that is nothing terrible, it too can be explained the same way you would explain things about your own family. Books can help here. 

It is known that children up to early school age get to know the world through play, so an effective way to show how different families can be is a little scene or a fairy tale with characters played by the child’s toys. There is also more and more literature appearing now that will help you tell children about homosexual families in a tone of acceptance and tolerance. 

From this kind of literature we can recommend “Maya and Her Moms” by Larysa Denysenko, “Princess Princess Ever After” by Katie O’Neill, “The Harvey Milk Story” by Kari Krakow, and “King and King” by Linda de Haan and Stern Nijland.

Your own behavior and personal attitude also play an important role.

If your family has a tradition of talking about acceptance and tolerance, that is wonderful, but it alone is not enough. Children absorb the example of their parents’ behavior better than they absorb words. We can talk about acceptance, but if our behavior betrays awkwardness, wariness, or irritation toward homosexual people, children will definitely notice it.

Drawing on developmental psychology, this can be explained by the fact that children are more sensitive to emotional and bodily signals than to cognitive constructs. First of all it is worth working through your own prejudices, and only then passing this on to children.

Similarity, not difference

Discrimination takes different forms, and children try to build their own patterns of behavior based on the attitude their environment broadcasts toward different people. If we first teach children that all people are different but that everyone should have the same rights, it will make our work far easier when a child comes up with a question specifically about homosexual people.

How do we do that?

Put the emphasis on similarity, not on difference. This helps convey the meaning of the basic value of every person. Yes, people can start families, choose any profession, have any appearance, religion, or moral qualities, regardless of their sexual or romantic orientation. This line of behavior will also be useful if the child discovers their own homosexuality or bisexuality in the future. Because if an atmosphere of trust and safety reigns in the family from earliest childhood, the child will turn to their parents for help first of all, relying on the knowledge that they will not be rejected and left alone with the questions that worry them.

How do you talk about homophobia with a teenager?

Among teenagers, competition for recognition intensifies. In short, this process is normal, because a teenager is building their own paradigm of values and views. They become aware of their separateness and uniqueness from other significant figures: parents, peers, teachers. The need for recognition sits in the same register as the need to belong, so a teenager shows a need to belong to some group, preferably one placed higher in the hierarchy. 

The various systems that exist in our lives are subordinate to hierarchy – the education system, the family system, the system of relationships among teenagers – and all of them are shot through with a patriarchal culture that dictates who will be placed lower in the hierarchy and who higher. 

Unfortunately, hierarchy borders very closely on systemic discrimination, and under the influence of their environment a teenager often begins to defend their social status by dividing people into us and them, thereby joining in the discrimination of various vulnerable groups. 

The work of parents and educators in this case is to get through to the teenager that humiliating someone is not the best way to raise and protect your social status. And also that being in the minority does not mean being worse. 

This concerns not only a teenager’s sexual orientation but their views as well. Talk about the importance of empathy and of relying on yourself. Empathizing with and supporting vulnerable groups is nothing to be ashamed of and takes nothing away from your own dignity. 

Drawing on all of the above and setting your child an example of tolerance, you help them understand that it is possible to feel valuable, good, and enough without oppressing those who are more vulnerable.

Talk to your teenager about how to stand up to bullying

Talk about how to stand up for those who are being bullied, too. 

Point to other teenagers who speak up for equality as an example. One of the central themes of the teenage crisis is separation from significant adults and reliance on horizontal relationships, which is why teenagers may listen to their peers more than to their parents. 

Suggest places to your child where they can gain positive experience of other teenagers supporting the ideas of equality. These can be support groups, school and student initiatives, online communities, films, and books. For example, films and series that raise the issues and the consequences of homophobic bullying and of discrimination on SOGI grounds (sexual orientation and gender identity) are gaining ever more popularity with young audiences. 

If you are a teacher, it is important not to ignore and not to support homophobic statements and bullying in the group. By broadcasting your position clearly, you not only set boundaries for those who might initiate bullying, but also make it clear that you can be approached for help if help is needed. A proactive stance and preventive measures are recognized as the most effective strategy for dealing with homophobic abuse in a school group. 

If one of your students has come out to you, assure them that you will not disclose this information without their consent. This way you support the teenager’s confidence that you are a safe figure and can be trusted. 

If you are a school psychologist, it is worth paying particular attention to the confidentiality of teenagers’ requests for help. Even when you disclose the fact of such a request — for example, when making a bullying problem public — the sensitive information the teenager shares with you has to be handled with care. 

In your work with homosexual and bisexual teenagers you will be helped by the guidelines of the American Psychological Association, which give psychologists the basic reference points and support they need in working with LGBTQI+ clients, provide information about the limits of referring such clients and the options for doing so, set a direction of positive practices, and are backed by additional resources for professional development. 

Back up your position with verified arguments

Do not voice unnecessary guesses, and say so openly if you are not competent in some matter. Better to admit it honestly and help the teenager find places where they can get answers to their questions. 

It is better to back up your own reasoning with the fact that it is current and verified. Here you will find a link to a handbook on countering homophobia for teachers. It is very important to work with homophobic attitudes inside the teaching staff. In schools a sizeable share of discriminatory statements still comes from teachers themselves. That is why LGBTQI+ teenagers cannot feel safe on every school day.

First of all it is important to talk with the administration and to include an anti-discrimination policy in the school charter. Where possible, it is worth conveying to colleagues the importance of acceptance in the context of maintaining a healthy and productive atmosphere at school. Students with good psychological health, which school strongly affects, are naturally inclined to show better results in their studies and to build more fruitful cooperation both with their classmates and with their teachers. And for teachers, being able to see good results from their work lowers the likelihood of burnout. It is also necessary to bring interested parents and outside expertise into this work — for example, local LGBTQI+ human rights organizations.

Author: Mykyta Karimov, Head of the Psychological Service at Insight NGO