Transgender coming out

The word transgender describes a gender identity that differs from the one assigned to a person at birth. Gender identity is the inner experience each of us has of our own masculinity, or femininity, or both, or neither. For most people this experience matches their biological sex. People who identify as transgender have a different experience.

Many allies worry about how best to support a friend or a family member who tells them they are transgender. Difficult feelings can come up for a number of reasons — for example, embarrassment when trans* issues come up and you do not know which terminology to use without offending the person.

There are several ways to support someone important to you if they identify as trans*

Listen closely and trust their experience

Every transgender person makes countless choices, some hard and some not, while coming to understand their own identity and while going through transition. When a trans* person shares their story with you, it is a gift.

It means they trust you enough to share their own experience. And that experience may not be the one you expect.

There is no single right way to transition. Every story is unique. Some transgender people seek medical care, such as hormones and surgery, as part of their transition, in order to bring their bodies into line with their gender identity. Others want their gender identity to be recognized without hormones or surgery. Some transgender people have limited access to medical care, hormones or surgery because of a lack of financial resources, contraindications or their age. A transgender person’s identity does not depend on whether they have had medical interventions.

Receive the coming out of someone close to you with respect: an enormous amount of inner work on understanding their own identity went into it, and the last thing anyone wants is to have to prove their right to that identity to the people closest to them.

Be patient with someone who is questioning or exploring their gender identity. They may need some time to work out what is right for them. They may, for example, use one name or pronoun and then decide to replace it with another. Make every effort to show respect, and use the correct name and pronouns.

Learn to use correct language

You do not have to know every term connected with being transgender in order to support someone close to you. You simply need to respect and use the ones your friend or loved one prefers.

Some people have words that describe their identity best of all. One person may feel that the umbrella term “trans*” describes them best. Another may use different words for themselves: trans* man, trans* woman, FTM, MTF, non-binary person, agender and so on.

Trans people may also have pronouns they prefer. The possible options include he/him, she/her, they/them and so on. Language changes, and people are finding more and more gender-neutral pronoun options.

Gender-neutral pronouns are used most often by non-binary people, because they want to signal that their identity goes beyond male and female.

If you want to know which pronouns a person uses for themselves, it is better simply to ask than to try to guess. If you accidentally use the wrong pronoun, apologize and then make an effort to use the right one.

Your friend or family member may choose a new name. They may even change it several times while looking for the one that turns out to be most comfortable. Using the name and pronouns a trans* person prefers shows love and respect, and it supports them even when the changes are hard to live through.

Avoid inappropriate compliments and unhelpful advice

Even if you mean to be supportive, comments like these can be offensive or even harmful.

Things not to say:

• I would never have known you are transgender, you look so masculine.
• You look like a real woman.
• She is so lovely, I would never have guessed she is transgender.
• You are so brave.
• You would look much better if you wore more or less makeup, or chose less masculine or less feminine clothes.

Look for information on your own

If you want to learn more about trans* identities in general, the best way to do it is to do a little research. Just as it is not your job to explain to others what it is like to be a cisgender person or a heterosexual person, your friend may not want to explain their experience to other people over and over again.

It is never appropriate to ask anyone, trans* people included, personal questions about their body or their sexuality, except when you have specifically been invited to. That does not mean it is wrong to be curious or to want to learn more.

Fortunately, there are plenty of good sources of information. Many trans* activists post video blogs on YouTube about their personal experience, answering questions from people who simply want to learn more about the transition process. Different trans people are willing to talk about their bodies with others to very different degrees.

Treat that with understanding: do not pressure the person, simply let them know that you are ready to listen, without judgments and without unsolicited advice.

Turn to knowledgeable people for support

Learning that someone you know or someone close to you is a transgender person can bring up a great many feelings, especially if it is a family member — a child or a parent, for instance. It is normal to feel all of those things, and it is important that you find the support you need in order to make sense of them and understand your own experience. Your family member or your friend may not be able to help you in this situation, because they are spending at least as many resources on living through the process themselves.

Many relatives of trans* people I have worked with have found support and understanding in psychotherapy, or by talking with support groups for parents of LGBTQI+ people. The office of a friendly psychotherapist is a good place to start. For example, the psychological service of Insight NGO works not only directly with transgender people, but also offers the chance to get family counseling.

You may find useful this longread about being transgender by the coordinator of the trans* program at Insight. Our website also has publications for and about transgender people. There is other excellent material on this topic from my colleagues — for example, Kyrylo Fedorov’s talk about working with parents of LGBTQI+ children, and Maria Sabunaeva’s article about coming out in dysfunctional families

Active allyship

You do not have to be a professional activist to contribute to supporting the rights of transgender people. Being an ally means constantly noticing and challenging transphobia and ignorance, both in yourself and in the world around you. You can tell someone that a joke is not funny, ask a trans* friend what support matters to them when someone uses the wrong name or pronoun, or take part in events and rallies in defense of the rights of transgender people.

Transphobic jokes or comments can come not only from outside, but also from within LGB communities. Someone may think that because they are gay or lesbian, they have the moral right to use certain words or to tell stigmatizing jokes about transgender people. It is important to challenge transphobic remarks or jokes no matter who is making them. You can support the idea of gender-neutral restrooms. For many trans* people going through transition, using gender-marked restrooms in public places is stressful, and sometimes it can carry the risk of running into aggression. Your trans* friends and relatives will be grateful to you for helping them make this world safer and more welcoming for all kinds of people.

Trans* people often face oppression and discrimination from medical workers, schools, landlords, employers and their own families. What exactly support for a trans* relative or friend should look like can differ greatly from person to person. In many ways it looks the same as being a good friend to, or a source of support for, anyone who is going through significant life changes.

Do not be afraid to admit it if there is something you do not know.

It is better to admit it than to make assumptions or to say something that may be wrong or harmful. Look for good resources that will help you learn more.

Do not make assumptions

Gender identity is not the same thing as sexual orientation. Sexual orientation is about who we are attracted to. Gender identity has to do with our personal sense of ourselves as a man or a woman, or as someone outside those categories.

Transgender people can be gay, lesbian, bisexual or heterosexual, just as a cisgender person — someone whose gender matches the sex assigned to them at birth — can have any sexual orientation. The same is true of a trans* or non-binary person.

Respect confidentiality

Do not ask a person about their old name, and do not call it their “real” name. A real name is the one a person has chosen for themselves and the one that reflects their identity.

If you know the old name and the person no longer uses it, do not disclose it without their consent. Do not share old photographs of the person without permission either. Some transgender people are comfortable talking about the history of their transition, and some are not. A transition story is private information, and only the person themselves can share it with others. Do not disclose that information, do not speculate and do not spread gossip about a person you know to be transgender or believe to be transgender. It is not merely an invasion of privacy — it can also have negative consequences for that person in a world that is still deeply intolerant of gender diversity.

A transgender person can lose their job, their home, their friends or even their life if other people find out about their trans* status. Some people may choose to talk about being transgender publicly in order to raise awareness in society. But please do not assume that a transgender person has to disclose that they are transgender in order to be doing it “right”.

Support from parents for their transgender children

It is hardly possible to avoid having to talk with your child about the body, about hygiene (which is heavily gendered), about sex and about building relationships. You will, for example, have to face a conversation about menstruation with your transgender son.

There is a substantial publication on caring for and raising transgender children, issued by the Human Rights Campaign in cooperation with the American Academy of Pediatrics, which describes the differences between transgender and gender-nonconforming children and the forms of support for gender identity with and without medical intervention. The Ukrainian medical protocol for transgender people allows trans* children to seek care from the age of 14.

From a psychologist’s point of view, I can say that basic respect for a child’s body and their self-exploration, and sensitivity to personal physical and emotional boundaries within the family, will do more to build identity than attempts to determine the “sufficiency” or “insufficiency” of a child’s transgender identity. In childhood only social transition is available, so a child exploring how they feel in different gender roles will not bring irreversible consequences.

A longitudinal study shows that gender-neutral parenting not only does no harm, but also allows children to build a more stable sense of their own identity. By contrast, in cases where a child tries from earliest childhood to fit into a stereotypical gender role under the influence of their environment, they often have to deal with various difficulties in legitimizing their own needs and their different feelings and the expression of them (aggression, tears, determination, tenderness and so on) — as psychological work with both transgender and cisgender people shows.

If you need to explain to a child the changes happening to their body, it is better to try to do it in a non-judgmental tone. It is important to talk about how to take care of their health, to talk about the culture of consent, which is not only about sex, and to maintain an atmosphere in which the child feels safe coming to you for help or advice.