Hi, my name is Yeva. My name is Marharyta. And we’ve been a couple for a year now — and today it’s exactly one year.

How we met

We met in a really interesting way, I think. I was hosting a dinner for clients at the center, and then a waitress hands me a flower, and there’s a note with it. And I knew right away that it was her. I texted her immediately. And basically that’s when it started — April of last year — that’s when we began talking.

Marharyta actually thought our first date would be our last date. She didn’t like me at all, for a long time. I think it was a mix of things: I was very used to being on my own. For four years I’d been looking for the one, I didn’t want to settle. And then there she was — and something in me went… I mean, so I’m going to be alone? Not alone. Not alone. There you go, see — still not.

I knew that Marharyta was the one when I asked her to be my girlfriend. That was on May 13 of last year, exactly a year ago. And basically I don’t come to decisions like that unless I feel that this is my person. And it was the first time I did it myself, because before that I’d been in relationships with men, and there it was usually them who made the first move. But this time I just knew. But fundamentally we’re the same — we’re each other’s person.

A year together

This year was simply hard for the two of us, because there was an existential crisis, and a cash-flow gap, and what haven’t we lived through, gone through together. But she is my safety, she is my home, so I’m really glad that we have each other.

It amazes me, it genuinely amazes me, how driven a person can be — even when she has absolutely no strength left, she still gets up and goes. And that’s something I’ve really been missing in my life, in general, my whole life. So I’m really glad that it’s this person who’s next to me. And I’m the opposite — what I’m missing is that relaxation, that calm, that rest on every level. So she teaches me a lot about that too. And so we came together like yin and yang, we completed each other, we balanced each other out beautifully.

What family means to us

Family for me is home, a kind of spiritual home, a sense of safety. A safe place where they’ll accept you exactly as you are, no matter how bad you might be at that point in your life.

Do I feel that we’re a family? Partly yes, partly no. Because I still need that moment of official confirmation that we are a family. So right now it’s kind of fifty-fifty. I want to say: that’s exactly why we’re together, because our views of the world are the same. My spiritual home is her, and my family is her. But in our country — not entirely.

Okay, let’s put it this way: from my perspective there hasn’t been one specific moment like that. Let me explain why. Because we haven’t, for example, bought property together yet. We haven’t ended up in intensive care. We haven’t had children. And because of that, while you’re sort of young and not tied to those kinds of situations, you might not even feel it. But sometimes we don’t feel supported on a social level. I mean, people can still give us funny looks on the street. That happens too.

And really, what are we even talking about, when my family used to be homophobic. And when I first said that I also like women, as well as men, there was a great deal of judgment. So it all starts with the small things — with how you’re accepted at home.

We look to the future

Personally I want to say… Well, I’m a very rational person, and I look at the future. How exactly are we going to take out a mortgage? How can we split it between the two of us? Does it take an additional contract saying that we can pay, or rather that we have to pay this mortgage together? Or about children, IVF — how will we be able to register the child in my name if she’s the one who gives birth? And I simply can’t think any further. Because nothing beyond that level is possible. So I have the desire, but I can’t even get as far as making it real in my head.

But at the same time there’s no desire to leave the country. I mean, there are plenty of countries where all of this is already legal and where it’s very easy to arrange. There’s no desire to leave. We’re going to work to make all of this just as legally recognized here.

Another step backward

We saw it when everything started spreading on social media. A lot of initiatives were putting up all kinds of posts. And of course it all spread. It’s good that it spread. And when I read it, I felt, like — damn, nothing new here, in the sense that things aren’t getting any better and we’re taking a step backward. I mean, hopes had only just started to appear, because there were those stories from the Shevchenkivskyi district court, where they said a marriage between two men had been recognized. Like there’s some movement. And then this news, this bill. And I realize that we’re again taking that step backward. And again we have to start some new actions just to bring it back at least to some kind of zero, some kind of norm. A norm that’s already in the minus.

Well, to put my reaction bluntly — I was like: what a bunch of idiots, honestly. I just have no words. If only one of the people who made that decision, 264 in favor or however many, had at least read the first paragraph. How are they going to raise their own children, their daughters — they won’t have any rights. This isn’t only about LGBTQI+ people, it’s about women, men, about children, about the future children of our country. It’s all just so dumb. Well, that is the correct word — thick-headed. That was honestly my sincere emotion: how stupid they are, that’s it.

And I’ve been thinking about how to propose to Yeva. And I think I’d speed the whole process up if I knew that afterward I could go and get married officially. Because, well, it’s like… you see, I’ll propose — okay, sure, I proposed. But after that comes the responsibility. That’s already a step into a new life, a shared life.

Right, because then it all looks as if we’re playing some kind of game. And we made up the rules ourselves, but reality is completely different. Because there’s no legitimate backing for it. And on top of that, what’s happening in the country affects my inner world a lot. Because as long as it isn’t recognized at the state level, it somehow feeds a part of even my own internalized homophobia. And I start asking myself: am I making the right choice? I mean, processes start up that shouldn’t be starting at all. And it makes me really sad to talk about this.

I want to say — I’m a full-blooded lesbian. Absolutely full-blooded, from A to Z. But even I sometimes have these thoughts: am I sure? I mean, it would simply be easier to be with a man. But I can’t choose that, because I’d be living in constant torture — choosing. It isn’t something you choose. That came out strange. And there you go, even that gets through to you. It gets through, and you’re like: maybe I’m a broken piece of all of this. But no.

Reproductive rights

And of course there’s the whole thing with children, with giving birth — all of it would be so much easier to do if the state simply allowed it, transparently. As it is, it has to be little schemes, workarounds, who knows what. Can I read this thing out right now? Sorry.

Reproductive rights:

• A person cannot dispose of their own biological material for the benefit of their partner. This is permitted only for people of a different sex.
• Assisted reproductive technologies are permitted only on medical grounds.

So it turns out that I’ll have to prove some diagnosis of mine to somebody — like, that I’m not able to give birth myself. Right, so these are the rights of people specifically. Not even women’s or men’s, but people’s. And the state is just like: you’ll do it this way, and this way, and this way. Like puppets. That’s what outrages me personally the most in this situation. Because, you know, I’m used to us having no rights, to us not being able to get married. But at least we could have children. And Ukraine — what, you don’t need children? I mean, we have a demographic crisis.

We really want children

I think a pretty decent number of LGBTQI+ people have children. Yes, but there’s this stereotype that LGBTQI+ couples don’t have children. Well, the idiots here think so too, sorry. Even though it’s LGBTQI+ couples who approach having children far more consciously. Because if they’re ready, they do it. There’s no way it happens by accident.

I really want children. I really want Luna. Today is our one-year anniversary, and I gave her this little thing — and there’s a Luna on it. A pendant. And she has a Luna on it. The moon — misiats in Ukrainian. And we want to name our daughter Luna. There you go.

And I’m going to have to move money around to somebody just so I can have children in Ukraine. It costs a lot as it is. IVF costs money. I think you need a million hryvnias for all the tests and all those things. — I’ve heard that if we’re talking about that procedure specifically, it’s something like 300–500 thousand. Not a million. — And the tests before that?

And I want to stress once again that this makes things harder not only for LGBTQI+ people, whom you don’t like, right, folks? But it’s important to understand that this is discrimination against women.