Inappropriate questions to LGBTQI+ people

This podcast will come in handy for anyone who works or communicates with LGBTQI+ people and who wants to make sure they do not end up in an awkward situation. Psychotherapist Kseniia Vittenberg explains.

From time to time in my practice I come across professionals who note with sadness that they are sometimes afraid to communicate with LGBTQI+ people, to take them on as clients, to provide them with help, because “I do not want to feel like a person with caveman views, I do not want to do more harm than good”.

I got in touch with different people and collected the most typical questions that are put to LGBTQI+ people and the typical phrases they are told. The list is far from complete, but we will go over the most common ones and look at why they are unethical.

“You do not look like a lesbian at all / You do not look like a gay man / I would never believe you used to be a woman or a man.”

These are stereotypical images that a person is supposedly meant to match, as if there were some standard for how gay men or lesbians ought to look. And let us remember that this is not a compliment.

“So do your parents know that you are gay / a lesbian?”

This can be a painful question for many LGBTQI+ people. Some LGBTQI+ people have difficulties in their relationships with their families, including because of their identity. When we touch on this question without permission, we may accidentally end up in a painful area and the person will feel uncomfortable.

It also makes it look as though sexual orientation and gender identity are something that ought to be condemned or disapproved of by parents or by other older, significant people. As if a person had to justify themselves or hide, as if they were doing something that is not normal.

“But what about children?”

LGBTQI+ people are ordinary people who start families and have children if that is what they want. By the same routes as straight couples: naturally, or with the help of assisted reproductive technologies.

When we single this question out, we are in effect setting LGBTQI+ people apart into some separate category that is not the same part of humanity as everyone else.

“So which of you is going to give birth? / So which one is the biological mother or father?”

It is simply none of your business. Besides, excessive curiosity and staring are unacceptable in any community, not only when communicating with LGBTQI+ people.

“So which of you is the boy and which is the girl? / So which of you is the woman and which is the man?”

This is projecting stereotypes. Imagine that you have come to a Chinese restaurant, you are brought chopsticks, and you ask the waiter which one of them is the fork. That is exactly how strange this question looks to a gay couple when it is about their so-called roles.

“Have you ever had women or men? / Have you ever had sex with women or men? / And have you had real sex? / How do you know you do not like women if you have never had any?”

You are in effect questioning who a person is, and it comes across as devaluing their experience and their sense of themselves. Try asking a straight person whether they have ever had partners of their own sex, and if not, how they know that they like people of the opposite sex. You can probably guess what you will hear in reply. And besides, love and closeness are something far greater than sexual behavior.

“So how do you do it? Meaning: in what way exactly do you practice sex?”

Again, it is simply none of your business, since you do not ask every person you know how they conduct their sex life. Different people have sex differently, every couple in its own way, regardless of what sexual orientation or gender identity they have.

“So do you like being a lesbian, or being gay?”

This question implies that sexual orientation is something a person chooses of their own free will, or that it can sometimes change, again of their own free will. Yes, sexual orientation sometimes changes, but not because a person makes that conscious choice. The matter is far deeper than simply wanting to be someone or pretending to be someone.

“So who made you gay or a lesbian? Did something happen to you? Did you have some childhood trauma? Maybe you experienced sexual trauma? Did you have a bad relationship with your mother or your father?”

These questions demonstrate a lack of knowledge of psychology and show that the person is uninformed on questions of sexual orientation and gender identity. Sexual orientation and gender identity are not connected with a person’s past experience. A person does not become gay, a lesbian or a transgender person because something happened to them.

Sexual orientation cannot be learned, it cannot be promoted or picked up as a model of behavior, contrary to a belief that is unfortunately still widespread in society.

“So when did you realize that you were gay, or that you were a lesbian?”

Just try to imagine yourself putting the very same question to a heterosexual person

“Do you want to be a man? — to a lesbian who looks more masculine than you are used to. Or, in the same way, asking a gay man who looks feminine whether he wants to be a woman.”

Behavioral expression and sexual behavior are not connected with gender identity. A person can look any way at all and at the same time not be transgender.

“So you do not like men at all? / You really do not want to try anything at all with women?”

Some people define themselves as bisexual. And those people can build relationships both with men and with women. But if a person defines themselves as homosexual, then asking whether they like people of the opposite sex is the same as questioning the way they experience themselves. Are you sure that you feel what you feel?

“Maybe it will pass? Maybe you will experiment and come back to a normal life?”

Here, I know a girl or a guy who had homosexual relationships and then came to their senses, and then went back to a healthy life, or got married or formed a “normal” relationship.

Bisexual people can build relationships with people of both sexes. But if you say the same thing to a homosexual person, you will most likely look, to put it mildly, strange.

“We are looking for a gay couple or a trans* person to make our event inclusive. Would you like to come?”

People are not an accessory. Sexual orientation or gender identity is not what defines a person. And it is not a label stuck onto someone, thanks to which they can be invited to or refused participation in certain events or anywhere else.

So the stereotypical ideas we run into from time to time in our lives do, of course, affect the way we build our communication with people of different categories.

So if, while listening to this podcast, you suddenly recognized yourself in some of these situations, do not worry, it is normal not to know something. If the thought comes to you: what do I do now, I do communicate with LGBTQI+ people, what if I say the wrong thing. That can happen. Any person can say the wrong thing in a conversation.

If that happens to you, calmly apologize and go on with the conversation.