How to talk about transgender identity with the older generation

When it comes to coming out to the older generation, it can be a difficult and emotionally demanding process. Parents, grandmothers, grandfathers, or other relatives may hold ideas rooted in traditional or outdated views of sexual and gender identity. Yet it is important to remember that coming out is not only about saying “I’m transgender.” Above all, it is about creating space for open dialogue, support, and mutual understanding.

Many people think that coming out is a one-time event, and that once you have said those magic words you will never have to repeat them. In reality it is a long process that depends on your family circumstances and on your own wishes.

Think through when, where, and how you want to come out — choose the option that lets you feel as comfortable, safe, and protected as possible. Keep in mind, too, that this kind of conversation needs the right moment, when the other person is not in a hurry and has nothing else pressing to attend to.

To get a sense of how the people around you might react, you can start by casually asking their opinion about transgender identity. For example, you could bring up a celebrity who came out publicly, or an acquaintance who has started transitioning. That will not give you a complete answer about how they will react, but it can help you understand where they stand on these questions.

Think of at least one person in your life who supports you. If you have someone like that, it helps to talk to them first, so that you can practice and gather courage before coming out to others.

Having even one person on your side who respects your identity can improve the situation considerably and lower the emotional strain. You can also ask them to be present during your conversation with your family — but weigh the possible risks of that step as well.

Be ready to answer common questions and statements

Many people, especially older ones, do not understand transgender issues well enough, and they may need help with that. In many cases your loved ones simply want you to be all right, so try to reassure them and tell them how they can support you. Here are examples of some of the things they may say, along with possible ways to respond:

“How long has this been going on?”

“I’ve known since I was 14. I realized long ago that I feel like a girl/boy, but I couldn’t find the right words to express what I was feeling”.

“Why did you decide to become transgender?”

“I didn’t choose to be a transgender person; rather, I discovered that my true ‘self’ has a different gender. But I can choose whether to keep hiding myself from people or to do what makes me happy. And that will make me far happier than going on pretending to be someone I am not. I hope I can count on your support”.

“Are you sure this won’t pass in a few weeks/months?”

“I have been thinking about this for a long time, and I have come to the conclusion that going on living as a girl/boy fills me with fear and hopelessness. I feel that I would be far happier and far more confident in myself as a girl/boy”.

“This is all our fault, we are bad parents”

“No, nobody here is to blame, because I was born this way. If you were bad parents, I don’t think I would have been able to tell you about it. But I am telling you because I trust you and I want you to be part of my life”.

“What could this change in our relationship?”

“Very little, actually. I am still the same person you know, and I still love you just as much as before. But now you understand me better. And transitioning may help me become less sad and less irritable, because it will be so much easier for me when I can be myself”.

“I don’t understand this. I want to help you, but I don’t know how.”

“That’s all right. We will figure it out together. What I need most is your love and support”.

Remember that a first reaction may not reflect true feelings

If someone is surprised or frightened by what you tell them, remember that their initial reaction may not match what they feel deep down. It can be hard, but try to be ready to give your family a chance to truly take in what you are telling them.

Think in advance about the answers, or the questions, you may hear. You do not have to justify yourself or respond to every inappropriate question, but being prepared for different outcomes (good ones as well as bad ones) will help you feel more confident. Even if some people react negatively, that does not mean you are doing something wrong. Tell your parents, relatives, or friends that living as your true “self” matters enormously to you, and that you want them by your side.

What can you expect in the days or weeks after coming out?

Once you have come out, be prepared to wait while the other person “digests” the new information. Some people may need time to accept your gender identity. They may have to get used to your new name or pronouns. They may have questions, or may not know which words to use. They may make mistakes and hurt you unintentionally, even while wanting to support you. So correct them, but try to do it without judgment. Many people become more knowledgeable and more attentive over time.

Keep an open mind about how people react. Sometimes they may surprise you with their kindness. Still, it can help to have a backup plan in case someone reacts negatively — ending the conversation, for example, if they cross a certain line.

If you can, find someone you will be able to talk to after your coming out. It could be a friend, a family member, a partner, a therapist, a teacher, or another trans person with a similar experience. An ally like that can celebrate with you if everything goes well, or comfort you if it turns out to be hard. 

It is entirely normal to be afraid of talking about your transgender identity with the people closest to you. You cannot know in advance how others will react, whether positively or not. Either way, you deserve to be treated with respect and to be seen as who you really are.

Prepare yourself emotionally before you come out.

Because trans people are sometimes misunderstood and disrespected, you may run into dismissal, rejection, or even violence. Prepare a healthy, safe strategy for that possibility — something that will help you feel better if your coming out does not go the way you planned.

Think about the things that calm you and give you a sense of safety and happiness. Maybe you like watching certain films or series? Reading a favorite book? Spending time outdoors? Talking to a good friend? Hugging a pet? These are all examples of healthy, effective ways to cope with the difficulties you may meet in life.

If you do not have a place of your own, think about whether there is somewhere that could become a temporary refuge in case things take a dangerous turn. It could be a hotel room, a friend’s apartment, or a shelter that is friendly to trans people. Find out whether there is an LGBTQI+ organization near you that could help in such a situation. Even if you judge the risk to be small, it is better to have this information ready in advance, as a “safety cushion”.

Set clear boundaries with your parents.

Do not let them judge you for the way you dress, behave, or think. Protect your boundaries by using “I” statements to show what you feel, and then explaining what will happen if their behavior does not change for the better.

• “If you keep treating me with contempt, I will not want to talk to you”.
• “So what if I am not like everyone else? That does not mean I do not deserve respect. Please do not look down on me for who I am”.
• “It will be hard for me to be around you if you keep acting as though my feelings do not matter”.

Still, it is better to hold off on coming out if you are not ready, or if you are not sure it will be safe. Only you can decide whom to tell and when. Do what you need, not what other people need. Remember that you can talk about yourself later, in more favorable circumstances — when you are financially independent of your parents, for example, or living on your own. Do not rush into coming out if you are worried about how your loved ones might react, or if you feel their reaction could put you in danger.

*Remember that we do not know your particular circumstances. So treat the recommendations above as advice you can draw on, not as direct instructions. Always take your own situation into account and assess how comfortable and safe any given step would be for you.