Children in queer families

We will call a queer family any family that lies beyond the heteronormative idea. That is, the idea that conveys to us a picture of a family in which there must be a mom, a dad, and children. Everything that falls outside such a family, the heteronormative paradigm does not regard as normal, unfortunately.

Speaking of a queer family, we would say that a queer family can include a union of any people who have decided to live together, perhaps to raise children, perhaps not. For example, it may be two moms with children, two dads with children, two non-binary people, transgender people, intersex people, and any other people of all identities who have decided to share a household and perhaps to raise children.

Our focus today is precisely on families that do have children.

I often hear questions about what queer families raising children should do, “since society is not ready yet” to accept families that are outside the heteronormative paradigm. So today we will talk about how this actually plays out and will try to answer the most common questions that come up for people in queer families who already have children, or from families who are only planning a child.

Start with yourself

A child’s development happens in contact — not on its own in a vacuum, but in contact with an object, as psychologists say. In psychology, an object means an already formed personality, with its own beliefs, attitudes, patterns of behavior, and so on. So in order to pass anything on to anyone, you first have to be filled with it yourself.

The first thing I would advise people who are thinking about how to build their relationship with their children around their own identity is to clarify this question for themselves. That is, to work out your own beliefs about your sexual orientation and gender identity, first of all for yourself: “What word do I use for myself? Who am I? Am I a bisexual person? Am I a lesbian? Am I gay? Am I a non-binary person?”

It is good if these words sound neutral to you, if they are natural in your vocabulary, if they are spoken at all in your everyday communication. If you use these words easily and freely to describe yourself or other people, your child will hear that too.

What do we call each other as a couple?

What word do children hear in this context? Do partners call each other wife or husband, or use other words that are commonly accepted in a social or legal context? Do they call their union a marriage, a family, a household, or some other words?

This is also important to work out, and to keep in mind that children will hear exactly the words you yourself use about yourself and your partner.

What is your behavioral expression?

How do you step out with who you are into public space, into the wider public space, beyond your family or a narrow circle, or the local LGBTQI+ community?

Here it is worth paying attention above all to aspects such as safety, since some people live in societies where anything beyond heteronormativity can attract unwanted attention from others. If you assess your own presence in society as unsafe, I would advise taking that into account. Some families use what is called social masking — that is, outside the home they do not do certain things that are normal inside the family. For example, they do not hug in public, or they even use different forms of address for each other. There is nothing wrong with acting one way or the other. Because you alone take on the responsibility for your own safety, the safety of your family, and of your children.

There are the difficulties you may encounter, and there is your own attitude toward how you handle them.

Talking with children about their parents’ sexual orientation and gender identity

A child under three

At this stage children do not yet distinguish the aspects that we are actually talking about. At this age we do not need to do anything special, only to live the way we live and to settle for ourselves what was discussed above: what I will call myself, what we will call ourselves, what our social expression is, how we behave inside the family and outside it, and so on.

At this stage it is important to add variety. That is, to talk about your own family format while placing it alongside other formats — for example, it might sound like this: “People who live together are called a family. Here, for instance, your friend Mykhailyk has a dad and a mom. Your friend Khrystynka has only one mom. Your friends Olesia and Oleh have a grandma, a grandpa, and a dad. We have two moms and two kids, and so on.”

I do not advise singling out the form of family you live in as separate or somehow unique. At this stage what matters for a child is understanding the very concept of family, and that a family is the people who live together.

It will be good if, at this stage, the child also comes into contact with different forms of families; if you are in touch with other queer families, it will be good for the children to interact with other children, or with families without children — with your friends, say.

A child of three to five

Here some further aspects are added to what was covered in the previous stage. We have to make sure that our so-called puzzle pieces, our pictures, do not fall out of the descriptions of reality that the child may pick up elsewhere. For example, at preschool or at a children’s center, the teachers may tell children about family and convey the heteronormative version of family. We need to complete that picture, for example: “What interesting information about that kind of family — and there are others too, they can be like this and like that.”

It is also important at this stage to remember that children by themselves show no interest in sexual orientation or gender identity, or in what adults call sexuality at all. Adults often sexualize children’s behavior and children’s questions that are in fact nothing of the sort. A child’s natural curiosity about everything they encounter should not be interpreted through our own adult lenses of perception. A child mostly asks about form — who lives how — and not about how it is arranged in society. Between the ages of three and five, extra details are usually unnecessary.

If a family goes through a sudden coming out with the children present — and at this age that can already happen — then you can give yourself a short set of instructions; it is worth thinking them through for yourself in advance.

If it happens somewhere with other people present and you have to disclose your own identity, or someone suddenly discloses it, I advise behaving naturally, as if that is how it was meant to be. That is, act as if everyone has long known that you have a queer family and what the nature of your relationship is. When a child sees that their parents are calm, they do not pay attention to the negative context, if there was one. For example, someone may ask in front of the children, “What, are you lesbians/gays or something?” — you can say, “Yes, some people are lesbians/gay,” and continue the conversation in the same tone as before.

A child of five to seven

This stage is defined by the child stepping out into what is called the open social environment, and here situations arise more and more often where the child may be left with other people without their parents and may hear what is said about their family, or what is said directly to them.

If you learn about situations where someone said something to your child along the lines of “Are your moms lesbians? Do you have a family with no mom, just a dad?” — then, just as in the previous section, we keep calm and explain in a natural tone that some people may talk about other families because it perhaps surprises them.

This is the situation where we perhaps live through an ethical experience together with our child for the first time, and here it is important not to miss the moment and to talk with the child about the fact that there are people who may speak badly about other people, and there are also people who may not like the way some other people live. For example, someone may not like that a family has no mom, that only a grandma and a dad live there; someone may not like that there are two moms and no dad; someone will not like something else. And sometimes such people, when they do not like something, say that it is supposedly bad, but in reality it is not bad. What is bad is that such people exist and that they talk that way. That really is bad. And being who you are is never bad, it is always normal.

This first conversation with the child takes place, in which we answer all of the child’s questions and confirm that yes, this is how it is. If the child has heard certain words, we comment on them, we say that such words exist; if it is an offensive word, we comment that people do not say it that way — they say it differently, for example they say the word lesbian, gay, or queer. We can bring these words into the conversation and explain what these words mean.

And part of this conversation will also be an agreement with the child to tell you whenever they hear something like this directed at them — that you know how to talk to such people and will always be able to protect them and yourself.

Another important aspect would be normalization: to confirm that this happens, that it occurs in life, that sometimes it may happen again — and that you will teach the child how to deal with it, and how to respond, if it ever appears in their life again.

A child of seven to ten

We say roughly the same things as in the previous age stages, and we add concepts such as stereotype or discrimination. We can explain what the term hate speech means.

And in the same way we help the child to normalize things, we validate their feelings — that is, we say: it is normal that you got angry or scared, that it was unpleasant for you, anyone would find it unpleasant in such a situation. We help them live through these feelings and give them models, if necessary, of behavior or of language: what to answer, what to do when this happens.

A teenager

Roughly all the same as in the previous stage: we explain the words related to discrimination, and we can also add topics of violence, bullying, and intolerance; if the child shows interest, you can read more materials together with them or watch videos on the subject.

It is important to remember that children do not hear the words we choose and say — they hear and take in our attitude. And the way we ourselves feel in this area is what will be visible and audible to our children. So first of all — and I come back again to where we began this conversation — you need to put things in order inside yourself, regarding your own identity and sexual orientation. Then it will be much easier for you to bring these topics into conversations with your children.