38 weeks of waiting

The journey of one lesbian couple to happy parenthood, told in the first person. Part 2.

Part 1: Pregnancy in a same-sex family

Almost three years had passed since the moment we decided we wanted a child and started working toward it.

The road was not an easy one, but it worked. Starting in November 2012, with the help of a homeopath (a woman, of course), Zhenechka went through another round of cleansing and preparation, which was the least traumatic for her body and turned out to be the most effective. By that point we had been seeing the homeopath for about six months. In our doctor’s opinion, Zhenia’s body was like a cabbage: it had absorbed everything conventional medicine had “fed” it and was not very willing to part with any of it. That is why all the procedures we had been through (fasting, leeches, and so on) had not produced the results we needed. What helped were homeopathic remedies selected precisely for Zhenia. By spring the doctor noted that her condition had improved considerably, and added that June should be a favorable month.

In mid-May, Zhenechka returned to the program at IRM (the Institute of Reproductive Medicine). They calculated ovulation and prepared the embryo transfer (we already had embryos, so we no longer had to go through the egg-growing stage). But this time we firmly decided that we would coordinate the prescribed medication with our homeopath. In the end, the only conventional medicine left was Utrogestan; everything else was replaced with homeopathy.

Conception

We all know for certain the year, the month, and the day we were born. Many people know the day and even the hour of their birth. But almost no one knows the day they were conceived… We do know it exactly!

On June 6, 2013, we had the embryo transfer. In between, we managed to celebrate my birthday on June 4. Of course, at that point we still did not know that everything had finally worked out!

The most interesting part is that on the day of the embryo transfer, for the first time in all those three years, I did not make it to the clinic: I had a work meeting that dragged on and ruined all my plans. Because we were both on edge (Zhenia at the clinic, me at work), we unexpectedly had a fight, and Zhenia, in a huff, made a three-kilometer forced march from the clinic to the homeopath right after the procedure (a reminder: the embryo transfer is painless).

In the days after the procedure, we tried to switch our minds off it, because every time before that we had waited and then been terribly disappointed. Of course, deep down we hoped, but we tried to live our usual life (delicious dinners with good wine, guests, walks along the embankment, and, of course, work).

I remember well the day when, in the middle of a workday, a text message came from Zhenia: “my period started 😭.” It was a blow. I called back almost immediately and we talked. A veil of hopelessness fell over that bright June day. I wanted to get drunk and forget everything. And we did get drunk; it was gin. The morning could hardly be a good one. The clinic’s rules required a pregnancy test in the morning. For those who do not know, a pregnancy test is a paper strip with indicator bands on it. They appear when it is dipped in urine, and morning urine is recommended. Zhenia used the test and handed it to me with complete indifference (you have to wait a few minutes for it to dry). I did not stare at it the way I usually did and went about my business. When I came back, I froze, not understanding what was going on. The picture was unfamiliar to the eye. I had to take the instructions and compare what I was seeing — there were clearly two lines on the test.

Silently, without any emotion, we looked at each other and decided to go to the clinic for an hCG blood test.

Human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) is a hormone secreted by the placenta during pregnancy. Along with luteinizing and follicle-stimulating hormones, it belongs to the gonadotropic hormones, but differs from them in its amino acid sequence. It begins to be produced within the first hours of pregnancy and increases several thousandfold by weeks 7–11, after which it gradually declines.

We got ready quickly, drove there, and gave blood. They promised to call during the day and report the results. The hCG result was positive! That meant Zhenechka was pregnant!

There were no vivid emotions or excitement, only restraint in everything — we were simply afraid to allow ourselves any joy. And what about the period Zhenia had started? It turns out that light bleeding resembling the start of a period can occur in women at the very moment the embryo attaches to the wall of the uterus.

Trimesters

Ordinary people live in weeks, usually workweeks. Pregnant women have their own way of counting time — they live in calendar weeks, which add up to trimesters; there are three of them in all.

A normal pregnancy, as doctors understand it, is 40 weeks; a full-term baby, in medical terms, should be born between weeks 36 and 42. Maternity leave starts at week 30. The most interesting thing is that these weeks are counted from the date of the last period. That is why there can be an error of a week or two in determining the term.

Pregnancy care

So — we were pregnant, or rather Zhenechka was! For reproductive medicine we had already lost our value, but at IRM we were told that they had opened a new line of services — pregnancy care, at a cost of UAH 15,000. That price covers the necessary tests, ultrasounds, scheduled check-ups, and consultations. Weighing all the pros (a familiar clinic, attentive treatment, cleanliness, appointments at times convenient for us) against the cons (the cost), we chose IRM and did not regret it for a second. The peace of mind and the nerves of a pregnant woman should be the main concern of the people around her.

There are quite a lot of scheduled check-ups and tests. The doctor we got (a woman again) was upbeat, with a light-hearted attitude, and that was for the best. A mountain of questions piles up before every appointment (a stitch in the side, a pulling sensation here, nausea there) along with a pile of fears (what to eat, what to take, whether baths are allowed, whether swimming is allowed, and so on). The questions were my area of responsibility, and I prepared for it very thoroughly.

Zhenia is a big coffee lover. Our easygoing doctor allowed us to drink coffee, eat sweets, and even have alcohol in moderate amounts. On the contrary, she said that nothing should be given up abruptly. In a word, with our doctor everything was allowed! After every visit she would smile and say: “Do not worry, everything will be fine!”

Because we were at IRM, we avoided pointless conversations about age, and there could well have been some, since Zhenia had turned 41 by the time of conception. Of course, she looks much younger, but doctors are people used to statistics.

Only twice did we end up at a regular public clinic: once to register the pregnancy, and once to arrange sick leave. Both times we saw pregnant women standing in line and the appalling conditions they were in (a shared corridor, a crowd of elderly women, sick people, and so on). We realized how wisely we had chosen. You could say that at IRM we were as if at a resort, except for the moment of giving blood. There are a lot of tests, they are taken often and on an empty stomach, so we had to carry food with us (apples, bananas).

Because of the age criterion, we were prescribed a genetic blood test. We took it, and everything was normal. Amniocentesis was also strongly recommended. Having read about the risks and consequences of that procedure, we categorically refused.

Amniocentesis is a test in which amniotic fluid is taken for analysis. The needle passes through the abdominal cavity and the uterus without touching the placenta or the baby. About 15 ml of amniotic fluid is taken.

The first trimester

The first trimester was the hardest. It is rarely an easy one for anyone, since the development of the fetus triggers a hormonal restructuring of the body, or, as it is popularly called, toxicosis. Our toxicosis was bearable. There was nausea and dizziness, but no vomiting. And it went on for almost the whole first trimester (12 weeks). And all the while you have to go to work and work there. Sometimes she felt ill at work and needed fresh air.

Few pregnant women dare to share their “happy news” with colleagues at work at that stage; usually they blame it on feeling unwell and simply put up with it.

Interestingly (we read this later), in the first trimester the baby’s internal organs and systems are forming, while almost all of the mother-to-be’s systems are undergoing a severe test. Such a paradox. Besides the scheduled weekly visits to our fertility doctor with a follow-up ultrasound, we often came in for an extra check-up — that was how we fought our fears. Just UAH 150 for an ultrasound, and peace of mind for the next few days was guaranteed.

One situation made it very clear to us that it is not thoughts we should be afraid of but actions — especially when it comes to physical strain. At weeks 7–8, Zhenia, who was already feeling better, decided to help her elderly parents with the harvest: she climbed a ladder at the country house and picked cherry plums from a tall tree, stretching for the farthest branches. Her parents, of course, were told nothing about the pregnancy. I was not there and could not have been, since for Zhenia’s parents I simply do not exist.

The next morning Zhenia cried out in horror: “blood.” And this was no laughing matter. No one had warned us, and we had not read about it anywhere, but we knew for certain that a pregnant woman should not be bleeding at all. We rushed to the clinic, had an ultrasound, and breathed out a little: “there is no placental abruption, but you need rest.” Work, along with any household chores, was canceled for three days — and, in the bigger picture, for the rest of the pregnancy. We agreed that Zhenia would no longer lift anything heavier than 2 kg and would perform no more feats of labor. We were lucky not to lose our baby. Until week 12 we were very careful, because the cervix has to close by week 12, and after that the chance of miscarriage approaches zero.

The second trimester

The scheduled check-up at week 12 made us happy with the news that everything was fine and we could go on vacation. Since we were traveling by car, we were warned to keep vibration to a minimum. We had to drive slowly and very carefully. It was hard for Zhenechka in the car — you cannot sit for more than two hours at a time (it presses on the organs) — so she spent almost the whole trip lying on the back seat.

We had a wonderful rest, a week in the Carpathians and a week in Crimea. This time there were no backpacks and no hikes — decent accommodation, swimming in a clean sea, and unhurried walks. Our friend Katrusia had been right (she had given birth to a daughter four months before us). The second trimester is a golden time. The nausea is gone, the belly is still small, and it is comfortable to sleep.

In the second trimester there comes a moment when your entire usual wardrobe is good for nothing. Zhenechka had set herself the goal of keeping her figure and not putting on weight, so however much she wanted to eat, she held back and gave preference to plant-based food, thanks to which her shoe size and her blouse size on top stayed the same. But the moment came when we went to a maternity store. What a miserable sight those maternity stores are — absolutely dreadful blue-gray colors, knitted cardigans that are literally “old-lady” style, hideous thick woolen tights. No, my Zhenia definitely could not be dressed in that horror; her favorite clothing store was BGN, with good tailoring, stylish suits, and elegant blouses. Searching online turned up nothing. We decided at least to buy ordinary thin maternity tights, because regular tights press on the belly. We went to a little maternity store in the Kvadrat mall in Lukianivka. We picked out two pairs of tights and were almost happy. Wandering around the other departments, we found an A-line dress that I quickly approved, since Zhenia looked elegant and sexy in it. Going back to the little maternity store, we did pick out one more decent dress with a strict cut and a geometric print. There was no shortage of pants. Zhenia figured out that the best fasteners for the buttons on pants are the thin elastic bands that people at a bank (and she worked at a bank) like to use to tie up stacks of cash. One end of the band is tied into a loop, the other goes over the button. So what if the fly does not close — at least the pants do not fall off.

We were also incredibly lucky that Katrusia gave us her maternity clothes: several pairs of jeans, a couple of T-shirts, and a sundress. She had bought those clothes abroad; they were good quality and stylish. By that point Zhenechka no longer needed her silk suits — she was going on maternity leave. Autumn came, and the new batch of clothes turned out to be very timely. “Partner’s clothing” also came into play, since I mostly wear casual clothes and am a bit taller. Zhenia started wearing my shirts. All that was left was to solve the question of winter outerwear, since a loose mink coat did not go at all with jeans and sneakers, and the down jackets we had (even mine) were too tight at the waist. Friends came to the rescue again (they are a few sizes bigger than us) and offered their relatively light, windproof ski jacket. It is worth noting that because of the changes in the body, pregnant women are always hot. In autumn and winter that turned out to be a useful property. My Zhenechka, who is always cold, was warm in any weather.

The third trimester

At first the third trimester is very much like the second, plus the long-awaited prospect of a well-earned rest from work appears (well, who does not dream of a six-month break from work). But the situation changes with every passing day.

Bowel problems may appear, since inside the body almost all the organs shift from their usual places. Lighter food is needed for normal digestion (beets and prunes became our best friends). For the last two months Zhenia hardly ate any meat, preferring fresh bread with butter instead. You also become tied to home or to familiar places, since the trip to the bathroom has to take as little time as possible — the ability to hold it drops sharply, and this shows up especially at night (she had to run up to 10 times a night). Among the unexpected and extremely unpleasant things was thrush: itching, pain, discomfort. Sleepiness also sets in during the third trimester — Zhenia slept twice a day. The rest of the time she invented things to do and made herself go for walks so as to keep moving.

Ultrasounds

At IRM we had a lot of ultrasounds. In the first trimester, every 2 weeks; in the second, once a month; in the third, once every two weeks. At IRM it is not just an ultrasound but a real movie theater. We would come in, Zhenia would undress, the lights would go out, and I would watch the whole process on a big screen while the doctor commented on every move she made. It was very interesting and informative.

There was one more amusing procedure — measuring the baby’s heartbeat and activity. Special sensors were placed on the belly, and Zhenechka was given a control button to hold. Whenever the baby moved, she had to press the button. It turned into a sort of reaction-speed game.

What we did during the pregnancy

Besides nutrition and reading a diary of the baby’s development online, we of course started getting ready.

Once again, Katrusia handed me a whole stack of books. I picked out the one that seemed most important to me — “The Pregnant Dad.” That happened back in the second trimester, so it was interesting to read, comparing the sensations we had already lived through, the current ones, and those still ahead. Zhenia read a thick and, in my opinion, boring book called “Baby Care,” and she was a thousand times right, because books like that can only be read and taken in before the baby is born; afterwards there will be no time for reading at all.

Zhenia went back to her beloved yoga classes. Of course, it was not the yoga with Yulia A. (let us keep secret that name, so widely known in narrow yoga circles) that Zhenia had been used to before the pregnancy. Prenatal yoga is quiet dozing off on a mat; still, it was good that Zhenia had it. She did not want to trade her beloved open-water swimming for a pool, and moderate physical activity is essential. Staying in shape is what every pregnant woman needs, because that shape will make the difficult postpartum period easier to get through.

Zhenia went to yoga after work so as not to overeat. Every lunchtime Zhenia took a walk along Andriivskyi Descent (she worked nearby) in any weather. She fed the squirrels. Yoga did not help much in practical terms, but it was exercise and a way to keep her muscles toned. Thanks to that, she had almost no back problems. We were lucky — there was no swelling in her legs and no varicose veins.

When, after going on maternity leave, Zhenia traveled to yoga during the day by metro (fewer people), no one gave up a seat for her except middle-aged women; a few times very young guys gave up their seats. Her belly was already very noticeable, but our people diligently paid no attention to it. The ones who noticed were middle-aged women, who gave up their seats and immediately struck up a conversation about their own children and grandchildren.

Once we got into a discussion on Facebook with a friend of ours about what pregnant women are doing on the metro and why they cannot stay home. We did not want to quarrel, but I spoke out quite sharply on the subject and was extremely surprised that even among gay men a pregnant woman stops being a free person and owes something to someone — mainly, she is not supposed to get under the feet of the “normal” people around her…

On the whole we tried to walk a lot, and luckily the Obolon Embankment made that easy.

The battle with excess weight went on. Zhenia weighed herself regularly, checking against the normal weight for that stage. The doctors praised her — she did not go overboard with restrictions, but she did not let herself put on too much either. Months 8 and 9 are especially risky in terms of weight gain; the kilograms gained then are very hard to lose afterwards. From a weight standpoint, plus 8–12 kg is normal. These figures come from the fact that about 3.5 kg is the weight of the fetus, 1 kg is the weight of the amniotic fluid, and 2–3 kg is the weight of the uterus, the placenta, and the blood (the baby is nourished through the umbilical cord blood). The rest is fluid in the mother’s body, the fat she needs to accumulate so that she has the strength to raise and feed the baby, and her swelling mammary glands.

Among the useful tips, what came in handy for us was using a stretch mark cream; we used Mustela stretch mark cream — it smells pleasant and absorbs quickly. We started using it back in the second trimester, applying it to the belly, the sides, the breasts, and the hips. A very pleasant activity for both of us 😊! The result — Zhenia does not have a single stretch mark. It is quite possible that this is the result of not gaining excess weight. The secret of stretch mark cream is moisturizing the skin. Objectively, hormonal changes make the skin drier, and it needs care. It may well be that an ordinary baby cream could have given the same effect.

Among the mega-pleasant memories is the maternity photo shoot. I looked at Katrusia’s photo shoot and at one by another couple of expectant parents and realized: we are going to do this too. We approached the matter with creative inspiration. We got acquainted with the photographer and met with her in advance, discussed the concept of the shoot, thought through and tried on piles of clothes, both went for a manicure, and on the day of the shoot Zhenia had her hair and makeup done. We shot in a photo studio, since it was winter outside. The result turned out wonderful! Lena, the photographer, opened us up so easily and naturally that the three hours of shooting flew by quickly and cheerfully. I recommend the photographer Lena to absolutely everyone (smirnovaolena.com).

Preparing for the birth

Of course, we turned to the young mothers around us for their experience. The undisputed authority went to a mother of three. One day we came to visit her and spent a long, long time discussing how she had prepared, how she knew she was going into labor, what she did during labor, where she gave birth, and so on. There were a lot of questions. I even still have a small set of notes in my phone from that meeting. Liudmylka — that is my friend’s name — said that she and her husband had gone to a childbirth preparation course before their first birth, and that, in principle, she would advise us to do the same. To Zhenia’s question of whether she regretted giving birth with her husband there, Liuda answered without hesitation — of course not, Vitia helped me a lot. He was there beside me and I felt calmer, and besides, he could keep a level-headed eye on what was going on.

And we realized that yes, that was it. Especially given my insistent wish to give birth together (partner-assisted birth).

The most up-to-date course turned out to be “ABC for Parents,” with a branch in Obolon that was convenient for us.

Zhenia joked that I would be the first one they would have to revive, since I was in a panic about childbirth and had only recently become more or less normal about the sight of blood. But I was unshakable — I had to understand what they teach in those courses and be ready to support my partner.

We signed up and went. There were 3 other couples at the course besides us. Heterosexual, naturally. At first no one had any questions, because pregnant women these days often come to such courses with anyone at all: mothers, friends, sisters. So at first I was not a penguin in a flock of swans. Of course, I was identified later — calmly and evenly. Our instructor was (and probably still is) wonderful; her name is Lera. She happened to be pregnant with her second child, and it was great that she could share her experience — both the past one and the current one. Later on we even often ran into Lera and one other couple while out walking with the stroller.

The course program covered an overview of Kyiv’s maternity hospitals, the signs of approaching labor, the stages of labor, and baby care. We still have the notes and the handbook (which, by the way, turned out to be very useful on nutrition for the mother and the baby). At that point I was going to the course in order to give birth together with my partner. I saw childbirth as the logical conclusion of the long and difficult process of pregnancy. But how right Lera was, and why did I not immediately grasp the meaning of her phrase: “My dears, remember this. Childbirth is not the end. It is only the beginning!”

Recommendations during pregnancy

• Keeping a diary: One interesting thing — we recommend keeping a pregnancy diary (the first movements, the first heartbeat) and writing down your feelings. Unfortunately, we did not keep one, even though every day brought something new that we often had to cope with (it is hard to sit, it is impossible to sleep on your favorite belly for six months, tying your shoelaces). In any case, there will be many times more positive memories.

• Unconditional support: Unconditional support for the mother-to-be. There are many ways to ruin a mother-to-be’s mood, and it can easily be done not only by an inconsiderate society but also by her own parents. It is important to literally “not give a damn” about the opinions of the people around you and about their view of the situation, and to give the mother-to-be unconditional support.

• Talking to the baby: Talking to the baby is unusual and interesting. I, for example, sang him lullabies in the evenings, and he fell asleep faster, so there was less of a wild “disco” in Zhenechka’s belly. Pets also love to communicate with the baby — our cat always tried to lie on the belly or next to it, and the baby tried to push her away.

We recommend that the mother-to-be rest a lot, try to get as much sleep as possible, and build up her strength. She will need it very much before long.

To be continued…

Alona, Zhenia (with gratitude to Katrusia and Liudmylka for their help and support)